Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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