I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
