I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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