Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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