She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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