I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Pants are for mortals
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
