she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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