CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
