My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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