My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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