i love accidental penises.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
