new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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