just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
