im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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