i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
