I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
