I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize