It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
