I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My pussy is not your playground.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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