so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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