Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
