I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
