I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
