best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
