I think i peed on brittanys purse
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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