The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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