You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize