Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
