She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
