I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
