God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize