doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
