The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize