I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just tell him i said nine months
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
