There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
