im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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