Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
