Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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