Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
