I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
