Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
