you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
