There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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