She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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