Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it glows. i had to have it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
