I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
