I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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