Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
