anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
