After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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