I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
