I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize