I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
