my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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