I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
