Jerry, you need to find god
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
