i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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