rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
