Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
