guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I am available for nakedness
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize