Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
