Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
