Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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